Every act of love involves fallible human beings, so there will always be challenges. Yet Christ-like love is based on Christ and the perfect love we first received from Him.

April 30, 2009

Love is a Verb, Part 2 w/ Dr. Gary Chapman

It can happen on a TV show or a movie but in real life living real issues can’t be resolved in 30 minutes or in a few episodes. That’s because love in a marriage in a family and friends is not a noun, it is a verb. Action is required.
Welcome to Haven Today telling the great story that’s all about Jesus as we return for part 2 of “Love is a Verb” with friend and bestselling author Dr. Gary Chapman. He’s the author of the “Five Love Languages” book and he’s been deeply involved in the ministry of his church in North Carolina for the last 36 years. Now we’ve interrupted our time with Dr. Gary Chapman the last couple of days because we wanted to talk about the Swine Flu epidemic. If you missed either of those programs they’re still there for you at haventoday.org. And when you’re there you can check out the precautions to take with Dr. Nick Yfantides. We’ve also included a quick “Checklist” under “Going Deeper” and we’ve put up a real time map which covers the world and where there are confirmed and suspected cases of this new strain of influenza. It’s the end of the month. Need I say it, but we would appreciate your thinking of Haven Today in your giving. For some these may be perilous times. For Christians these are special times and as you are able I want to ask for your special help. You can help us online by going to haventoday.org or you can give us a call at 1-800-654-2836. Be sure and let us know the station you’re listening to. Now, just before we get started with Christian counselor and bestselling author Gary Chapman let’s open now with a time of worship. Sara Groves leads us now “Love is Still a Worthy Cause’.

Song: Love is Still a Worthy Cause
Performed by: Sara Groves

Welcome back again to Haven Today. I’m Charles Morris and on the line from his home studio is Dr. Gary Chapman. Gary, welcome back again.
GC: Thank you Charles. Always good to be with you.
Cm: We are calling this program “Love is a Verb” which just happens to be the title of your new book that’s just come out but as we get started, “Love is a Verb” comes out of your understanding that you’ve talked about before on this program on the 5 languages of love. You want to just quickly tick those off for us again?
GC: Yes Charles, the 5 fundamental ways of expressing love in a marriage or either expressing love to children, number one is words of affirmation, using words to affirm the other person; number 2 is gifts, giving them a gift. It doesn’t have to be an expensive gift but the gift is a token that you’re loving them; And then there’s acts of service, doing something for them that you know they would like for you to do; quality time, giving them your undivided attention; and then number 5 is physical touch. And out of those 5 each of us has a primary love language. This is true of children, this is true of adults, married or single. Everybody has a primary love language. And if you speak that language to that person they’ll feel loved and if you don’t speak that language they will not feel love even though you may be speaking some of the other languages. So understanding this will not only enhance the marriage, it will also enhance parenting. If children feel loved by parents they will grow up normally. If they don’t feel loved by parents they will grow up with many internal struggles and in the teenage years they will go looking for love typically in all the wrong places. So understanding the 5 love languages can really save marriages and enhance the parenting process.
Cm: It’s interesting Gary that you talked about other relationships like with children, it would fit in the workplace as well but what you’re getting at really has a biblical basis, doesn’t it?
GC: Well, love is the foundation. Jesus said when asked, “What is the greatest commandment?” “It’s to love the Lord your God with everything you have.” And then he said, “The second commandment,” which they had not asked for, “is to love your neighbor as yourself.” That’s the first and second commandments. It’s fundamental.
CM: How penetrating Jesus always was.
GC: Absolutely, absolutely. And then you know Charles, later Jesus said, “This is the way they can tell that you belong to me, by the way you love each other.”
Cm: 1 John
GC : So it makes love the distinguishing mark of the Christian. So this theme is not on the sidelines of the Christian faith. It is the central theme of the Christian faith. In fact the scriptures say, “God is love”. It’s part of his nature and we reflect that. We become his instruments for reaching out to love others. You know, in this book “Love is a Verb” there is a story about a lady who had had a car accident and had lost her first husband and she fell in love with this man but she just wondered how could he love her over the long haul. You know, she lived with chronic pain, she was on medication. And the story tells about, you know, how he loved her not only in the initial stages but through the years how he cared for her, how he helped her reach her full potential with her limitations. And she entitled the story, “My Knight Knows” it’s the idea of the knight in shining armor but he knows everything about me and he’s there for me. And really in a very real sense he became Christ for her. You know, he personified the love of Christ in reaching out to meet her needs and care for her in that marriage relationship.
Cm: You know, if we would just see that, be cognizant of that there would be a lot of saved marriages today, wouldn’t there?
GC: I really think that is true and at the very heart, Charles, of love is this whole matter of sacrifice. There’s another story in this book “Love is a Verb” about a young man who actually resigned as the coach of a basketball team in college in order to have time to care for his wife and his daughter. Whenever have you heard that?
Cm: Not in this day and age but I guess it did happen!
GC: Yeah, he just decided he was so obsessed with his coaching that it was taking away from his marriage and his parenting. And I’m not saying that coaches cannot be good husband and can’t be good parents. They can, but for him he was just having a hard time making it all work and he said, “You know, my marriage and my child is more important to me than this job.” And so he gave that up and found something that took less time and less energy for him.
Cm: Wow
GC: Again, that’s what the heart of love is all about. It’s willing to sacrifice things that you really enjoy doing for the benefit of someone else. It doesn’t even have to be in the family. It can be outside the family. In fact, there’s a wonderful story in this book about a lady who encountered a homeless man who came into her husband’s office. He happened to work for the Veterans’ Affair and this homeless man was a veteran. He came in hoping to find help. And she decided that she and her family would just adopt him. They actually rented an apartment for him. They bought the furniture for him. They outfitted the whole thing and treated him like he was a king. And in due time they found out that he had cancer and as he began to decline he wanted to reconnect with his family. They helped him make contact with his family. They flew out, saw what state he was in, actually asked him to come home so they could take care of him in his latter days. And this family helped him get back home, reconnect with his family so that he died in harmony with his family rather than being a homeless man dying alone.
CM: What a blessing.
GC: Wow
CM: Oh, Gary thank you very much for sharing that. I wouldn’t have even thought about going in that direction but you know, in the days we’re living in right now and Haven Today comes from Southern California and we’re in a part of Southern California which has some of the highest unemployment in the whole country. And you can see it. You can drive in neighborhoods and house after house after house people have been evicted, people have had to sell but there’s nobody to by and where are they going to live afterwards. I was standing at the post office behind a family the other day. He said he’d lost his job and he couldn’t find anything more. They were shipping their kitchen supplies back to another state and he was asking about general delivery because he didn’t, well he said, “We have no place to live but we’ve got family back there and we’re going.” I think we are living in a day and a time where love in Christ, love as a Christian can really be a verb in ways we never even thought of, don’t you?
GC: Charles, I really do believe that. Just imagine what would happen if every Christian church in this country simply adopted one family who is in need. They may be homeless or as you said, just lost a job temporarily or maybe for several months but they just adopted that one family and just said, “We’re going to take care of you. We’re going to help you. We’re going to do everything we can to help you get re-skilled and find a place to work and so forth but as long as we need to we’re going to help you.” And you know, churches are doing some things.
CM: Yes, they are.
GC: But just imagine if we got a little more specific on this. And of course large churches could adopt several of those families but the smallest churches could adopt one family and help one family. And if we did that across the country, the love of Christ would be expressed in such a practical way it might even make the evening news Charles.
CM: Well, I know Heaven would hear about it and be pleased certainly. That is putting the love of Christ into action in our lives. I can’t think of a better way. We want people to come to Christ but how are they going to come to Christ unless we show the love of Christ and that can take concrete forms.
GC: Yeah. I think Charles, the Christian church today as I see it, we understand our mission very clearly. We’re to go into all the world. We’re to share the Gospel. But I think we may have forgotten our method. And the method is love. There’s nothing more powerful to touch the hearts of people and turn them toward Christ than love expressed in a tangible form that seeks to meet their needs. And that’s why I’m hoping this book “Love is a Verb” is going to get people some ideas of what it looks like to be a person of love in today’s culture.
Cm: If you just joined us you are hearing the voice of Dr. Gary Chapman who came up with this concept of the 5 Love Languages. It’s been a New York Times bestseller, “How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate” but you’ve got it in a lot of other versions because it reaches out to dealing with teenagers but then you have this new book “Love is a Verb” which I really think Gary, is a book for the season. It is a book for now. Now before we go on anymore, every time I’m around you I want to hear some, just give me some tips Gary. And I know I’m not supposed to be that way but give me some tips. How can I love my wife better? How can I relate to our team here at Haven Ministries in a better way as a boss but as someone who wants to express the love of Christ in a better way?
CG: Well, you know Charles, if we just forget about all the books, if you just ask individuals, “If I wanted to express my appreciation to you what would be a good way to do it?” And you’re going to find some people who will say, “You know, if you could make me one of your chocolate cakes that would be the most wonderful thing you could do for me.” And you’ll have some people say, “You know, if you could get me two tickets to the ball game that would be the most wonderful thing for me.” But really if people think you’re serious, you know, if you communicate you’re serious, “I really appreciate you and I want to express it in some tangible way –“
CM: They will tell you
GC: “give me an idea.” They will tell you. If they realize that you are serious they will tell you. And when you communicate your appreciation in a way that they suggest to you they will really appreciate it. They will know you are expressing your love and your appreciation to them.
CM: Now Gary, nobody other than one person engineering is hearing this in my office and my wife won’t hear it until the program’s on the air so I’m going to go do this. When we finish today I’m going to try this out and the next time I see you I’m going to tell you what happened. But I have a hunch I know what’s going to happen. People will appreciate this. And you know, I’m a boss in a sense, of a ministry and we have employees. I want to love my employees. Sure I want them to perform, yes. I want them to do diligent work and to work to the best of their ability for the glory of God. I want to get along and I want peace in my home but I want to love my wife as Christ loves me and that makes sense, how can I show my appreciation because if I can know that and act on that then I know we will live in greater peace and harmony and who knows what wonderful things can happen.
GC: Yeah, when people feel loved and appreciated they actually perform at a higher level, whatever they are doing. And when you don’t feel loved and appreciated your productivity will go down. I don’t care what you’re doing. And so this is really a powerful dynamic in human relationships and it helps all of us reach our potential for God and good in the world if we feel loved. So becoming an agent of love and learning how to express love to people in a meaningful way helps you to cooperate with God and what he’s trying to do in the world and that is, he’s trying to make all of us lovers.
CM: And you know Gary, forgive me for not even bringing this up. We are such a “me-centered” society and that comes through in my questions I’m asking you but this applies so much to the body of Christ and the local churches of Jesus Christ, doesn’t it?
GC: Well it does. I think if churches could have a revival of practical love. Now we do a lot of preaching on love
CM: Oh, we do, yes
GC: A lot of preaching on love but we don’t always get it down to the practicalities that people can grab hold of and say, “You know I could do that,” and “Yeah, I could do that.” If we could have a revival of practical love in which people have concrete ideas on how to reach out and help people and minister to people and love people I think the church could change the climate in this country. I think people would turn to Christ in this country. You see, this is not the image the church has today by and large. If you turn to people on the street, “You know, what is a Christian?” they might well say, “Oh, you know that is a right-wing political party.”
CM: That’s right.
GC: Way off base from who we think we are.
CM: We have a bad image. We may know who we are but that’s not necessarily who people out there in the world think we are.
GC: That’s right. Big difference. I think the one factor that can turn that around Charles is our becoming a people of love in a practical, daily way.
CM: I think Jesus would be pleased and well, Gary I think what we need to do is I need to ask you to pray again. And pray that we could first know this love of Christ and then share this love of Christ through understanding the love languages and then making it active, not a noun, not an adjective, make it a verb as you’re telling us. Would you mind leading us in prayer right now?
GC: I’d be happy to Charles.
Father, you know us, we know you love us with an unending love. We know that all of your intentions toward us are good. And we know that your desire that we will be channels of your love in our generation. So I pray that you’ll touch the hearts of your people. I pray that you’ll give us a deep hunger to be more like Christ, to live our lives for the benefit of others as he lived his life all the way to death because we know Father that when we do that, when we give our lives away to others, at the end of the journey we are the most satisfied people in the world and we know that it brings pleasure to you. So I pray that you’ll give us a fresh vision of what it means to be lovers and let us indeed be your instruments for bringing people to Christ in this generation because we love them with an unconditional love. In the name and the glory of Christ our Lord I pray, amen.

Song: Jealous Love
Performed by: David Bush

“Changing the World” is the album, David Bush is the singer and “Jealous Love” here on a Haven Today. Thank you, Gary Chapman for leading us in prayer. This is a program called “Love is a Verb” and that’s the title for Gary’s new book. He of course is the author of the famous “Five Love Languages” book which is still, I think, on the New York Times bestseller list. We’ll tell you how to get a copy of either in just a moment. It is the end of April and yesterday I was speaking to a friend in another part of the country. He’s a listener to Haven Today and he’s a supporter of the ministry. And for now his business is holding on. They’ve had to lay some people off. Their margins are less but he said, “The Lord is providing work and I know the Lord is going to take care of us.” Well I hope you know that as well and if you don’t know God and want to know about him and how he has expressed his love for you why don’t you not delay? Go to haventoday.org and look on the right hand side, “How Can I Know God?” That’s the name of the article and its good reading for all of us. Then if you are a Christian and believe in our mission to tell the great story that’s all about Jesus, I want to ask for your offering, little or great, whatever the Lord lays on your heart. That same Christian business man told me, “I want you to know we intend to keep supporting Haven because we believe in what you’re doing.” Now if that includes you would you give us a call today in just a moment? That number is 1-800-654-2836, that’s 1-800-654-2836. You might get Geoff or Holden or Cher, one of our team there on the phone and please, when you call and make your gift why don’t you leave a prayer request? We want to pray for you as well. So call us at 1-800-654-2836 or go online to give securely. Our internet address is h.a.v.e.n.t.o.d.a.y, haventoday.org. We made our already reduced budget in March but we’ve fallen behind the last couple of weeks in April so your call or gift online will truly be a blessing in helping to share the great story that’s all about Jesus. Now I mentioned this a moment ago, if you would like Gary Chapman’s new book “Love is a Verb” you can read about it online at haventoday.org or if you’ve never read “The Five Love Languages” we have both books. You can get those from us as our thanks for your end of month gift. Go online or call us at 1-800-65-HAVEN.
I’m Charles Morris and thanks for being with me and Gary Chapman. Would you come back again tomorrow when again we’ll be sharing the great story that’s all about Jesus on Haven Today?